Secrets are Fattening
If there is one thing I have learned about weight through coaching is that secrets are more fattening than any amount of donuts or French fries.
I am not talking about a secret that you keep because you are a private person. I am talking about festering secrets. I am talking about things that you have done or things that have been done to you that you make mean something awful. Then you hide it deep within and try to cover it up with fat.
Secrets that harm are heavy to carry, hard to hide, and poison to a joyous life.
Sometimes the secret is something from your past. It is usually something you judge and use for unwarranted self-loathing because of how you interpret it. Here are a few of many examples that I have heard over the years from my clients-secrets they had never told anyone:
My mother beat me when I was a child.
My husband hits me sometimes.
I hide candy bars in my drawer.
I had an abortion.
I storm eat in drive-thrus.
I cheated on my husband.
I was molested.
I ate an entire pizza myself.
Clients usually come to me and tell me they have something they want to share with me. Sometimes they are terrified to say the secret out loud. They can't imagine anyone would understand and not judge them. I promise them that I won't. And I never do. There has never been anything a client has told me that made me think less of them. Never have I agreed with their assessment that they are somehow less-than or damaged. There is nothing they could have done or will do that would ever take away the essence of who they are. I see only that we are all trying to do the best we can. And granted, sometimes our best doesn't seem very good, but that never can change who we are at our core.
So what is your secret?
Is there something you think you can't tell anyone? Is there some deep dark thing that you need to keep buried under layers of fat and shame? If not, then feel blessed and skip this part. But if you do have a festering issue, I strongly encourage you to say it out loud to someone you trust. Then, ask yourself what you think your secret means. What do you think it says about you?
My mother beat me…which means I am unlovable and not normal.
I hide candy bars…..I am bad and deceitful and have to hide my desires.
I had an abortion….which means I am a sinner and unworthy.
I storm eat in drive-thrus….which means I am out of control.
I cheated on my husband….which means I am an awful, horrible woman.
I was molested…..which means I am damaged and unstable.
I ate an entire pizza myself….which means I am crazy and out of control.
It is so important to understand that it isn't the circumstance of what we did or what happened to us; it is what we make it mean that hurts us in our life. I truly believe that there is nothing that happened to us that can't be released from negative meaning. We can see our past for what it is. Something that happened the way it happened. Period.
My mother beat me…..This has to do with her pain-I am lovable.
I hide candy bars…….I must need more sweetness in my life.
I had an abortion……It was a decision I made-not an identity I have.
I storm eat in drive-thrus….I can see that I deserve better.
I cheated on my husband…..I was looking for love externally and couldn't find it.
I was molested…….It is something that happened to me as a child, it doesn't define me now.
I have found that telling one other person the truth about a secret can change you life. Many times we don't tell the truth about our secrets because we are afraid that someone else might judge us. But I always tell clients it is better to have "someone" judging you, than you judging you. Your opinion is the one that really matters in your life. If you hate yourself, it doesn't matter that someone else loves you, because you will still feel empty.
The truth is that there is nothing you have done and nothing that was done to you that will ever make you unlovable or unworthy. I have heard it all, and there has never been a situation that I felt lessened the person who told it to me.
We are all doing out best. Sometimes we don't think our best is any good, but I assure you it is. I assure you that when you know better you do better.
To forgive you have to stop blame. To stop the fight, you have to stop the fight. The fight may be you trying to hold your secret away from the world and underneath some fat. But there is no secret that is worth hanging onto that tightly.
It is time to release it.
Tell the truth.
Stick to the facts.
And then let it go.
You will feel lighter the minute you do.