I had a yucky experience today. It wasn't the circumstance so much as my thoughts about it that upset me. I realize that my thoughts create my feelings, but today it just didn't seem that way. It seemed like someone else was the cause.
Someone I thought was my friend, someone I thought liked me and cared for me and supported me, did something completely unexpected and it took the wind right out of me. I felt attacked. I felt like all the effort I had put into the relationship and my genuine desire to be supportive and loving was for not. This person attacked my character. They attacked my authentic being. They tore me down to someone else and seemed delighted to do so.
Well, that's my story anyway. That is the yucky story I have about the day. My story that is causing me to feel sad and angry and upset. I realize that what they said plays on my belief that if I am myself I won’t have friends. That if I am intense and loud and outgoing and bold that no one will want to hang with me, that they will think I am annoying. I know this is all my own garbage and none of it is true.
I have done my work on this. I have done three sheets of four question turn arounds today alone. I have taken a walk and talked to my husband. I have felt my feelings and been willing to be in it. No, it is not fun. It hurts.
But I didn't eat over it. I did my work. I was willing. I let it wash over me.
Martha Beck was the first person I ever had in my life who told me to be who I am. She told me to never apologize for who I am to anyone. And to never shrink for the sake of anyone else. It is great advice that has changed my life. But on days like today, living this advice is hard for me.
I can't control other people and what they think of me. I really really wish I could. I really wish everybody loved me and thought I was great. I really wish everyone liked my loud, intense nature. But then I would miss the magic of doing my own work.
Sometimes the love I have for myself has to be enough.
And it is.