Square One

I am in square one in my life right now.  I am nobody, nowhere in many ways.  I spent a few years in Square Four and really loved it, but now I am back to the drawing board and reinventing myself.  Again.

It is terrifying and exciting and familiar.

I have spent the last few weeks cleaning out everything in my house that no longer "fits" me.  I have taken five bags of clothes to the Goodwill.  I have moved my furniture around, bought some new accessories, and reorganized the pantry.

I hired a web designer to completely redesign my website.  She asked me the direction I am heading and I looked inside for the answer.  Nothing.  No Square Two dreaming or scheming yet.

I am letting go of what isn't authentically me.  I am in-between.  I am growing.  I'm moving to the next level of my best self by letting go of things and habits and ideas I no longer need.

I find it ridiculously hard to make a decision in Square One.  I have no way of knowing anything in this stage.

I want to rush it and move on and scheme.  But Square One will not be rushed.

I put an offer on a house and then decided I didn't want it.  I watched myself fumble around with the decision-not really knowing who was deciding what.

I caught a look of myself in the mirror and truly didn't recognize myself.

I watched myself do an impossible pose in yoga with ease and wondered who the hell I was.

It's craziness.

I started writing a new book.  And I said I would never write another book.  And it is actually pretty good so far.

I stopped drinking mochas and now love Chai.

I have noticed I love black eyeliner and black cowboy boots with bling and really big silver hoop earrings.

I am more desperately in love with my coaching practice and every client I have the honor of coaching than I ever have been.

I am obsessed with having yellow flowers everywhere in my house.

In the past, this might have scared me. I might have been confused by what was happening.  But  I realize I am evolving into more of who I am right now.  I am becoming a better version of myself.

I have begun again.

Whatever square you might be in today… 

2- Dreaming and Scheming

3- The Hero's Saga  (working your ass off)

4. The Promised Land (cashing checks)

…remember that eventually we all end up right back in Square One if we are growing.  And when we are here, we feel like we are dying and being born all at the same time.  It's painful and promising.

For those of you who are in Square One with me, try to remember what I always seem to forget:

Being a caterpillar is a prerequisite for being a butterfly; and trying to fly when you are a caterpillar is just a waste of energy.

Be a caterpillar crawling.  For now.