Looking at Looking

This was written by one my students in a writing class I am teaching through The Life Coach School.   Her name is Kira DeRito and she is both an amazing student and an amazing teacher/coach.  I read everything she writes.  You can find her at  thethinkerfixer.wordpress.com.  Subscribe to her awesome blog.

 

11:35 to 11: 45

I have a package of strawberry Special K Fruit Crisps sitting next to my laptop.  100 calories per pack.   I’m pretty sure they’re pure sugar.  I want them desperately.  Like, I really really want them.  I want them so much that it’s triggering my “something-is-wrong-here” radar that I’ve developed in the past year. 

I’m not hungry and I don’t even really want a treat.  I want a hit.  Medication.  Escape.  I want to get away from ____. 

I can’t tell you yet what it is I’m avoiding.  If I eat the stupid fruit crisps I’ll never be able to tell you.  Not this time, anyway.  Ah, the generous, abundant Universe that keeps handing me the guide-book to filling in the blank.  I push it away and push it away until the radar is blaring so loud that I can’t ignore it anymore. 

Whatever it is, it’s in my throat.  And burning the back of my eyes.  I don’t want to think about what’s bothering me.  Let’s just talk about talking about what’s bothering me.  I’m pretty sure I’m afraid.  I’m afraid that if I really dig into myself I’ll find something unlikeable.  Not something you don’t like – something I don’t like.  Weak.  Stupid.  Fake. 

And so, of course, the only thing to do is look. 

And just looking at looking – identifying that I’m afraid to look; identifying what I’m afraid to find (and not even necessarily finding it), yes.  Peace.

 

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